Die Hard…and Never Come Back

How do I put this lightly, A Good Day to Die Hard is a stunning abomination.  It derails so quickly and efficiently, I was left to wonder: does Bruce Willis really need work this badly?  Being overloaded with such copious amounts of crap will do that to a person.  It’s maddening to recount this movie considering the most redeemable aspect is its unintentional porn title – but I’ll do my best.

Live Free or Die Hard (the 4th entry in this ironically un-killable series) was released in 2007 after a 12-year break from the franchise.  The film once again followed John McClane (Bruce Willis,) the wisecracking New York cop who does things old school (you know by shouting and shooting and punching.)

And although they turned McClane into something of a superhero in that film at least its plot was coherent and timely (Timothy Olyphant played the villainous internet terrorist.)  Die Hard 5 replaces that plot with…NO PLOT.

a-good-day-die-hard-poster01Don’t get me wrong, there is kind of a story.  The film follows McClane to Russia where he must recover his son.  Jack McClane (Jai Courtney) is in over his head as an undercover CIA operative attempting to foil a very Regan era-Cold War terror plot.  The duo literally must stop evil Soviet terrorists from getting weapon’s grade uranium from Chernobyl.  Russian terrorists and the threat of Nuclear War?  This movie was written in 1984 (probably.)

The film blows by in 90-minutes where we are witness to lots of car crashes, explosions and guns being fired.  The plot is so threadbare I can’t believe it was even that long.  It is directed with such shocking ineptitude nothing in the movie registered as impactful or interesting.  Director John Moore is a world class hack and it shows.  His wondrous career credits include:  Max Payne, Flight of the Phoenix and Behind Enemy Lines.  He should definitely keep getting jobs.

For as bad as the direction and action is, the writing is a notch above in the awfulness department.  Willis wanders around screaming, “I’m on vacation” as he blows away his foes.  Even his famous catch phrase feels shoehorned in, like they couldn’t find a place for it.  His enemies say things like, “get him!” and, “is this enough uranium for a bomb?”  Jai Courtney as Jack has to attempt to reconnect with his father during this nonsense exclaiming, “You were never there for me” while shooting evil shirtless Russian’s in the face.

As a fan of this franchise it’s sad to see it die such an agonizing death.  If another Die Hard begged to be attempted why not go the Fast & Furious route and make it silly fun?  Instead we’re left with this aggressively bad movie.  It’s like watching the cast of Jersey Shore play Call of Duty while listening to a Pitbull album on full blast.  If that sounds like fun to you than yippie kay-yay motherf#@$$#!


A Good Day To Die Hard opens today in theaters everywhere.