With a project like The Counselor I think it’s ok to expect a lot.  The pedigree on paper is impressive.  An A-list Director who’s been wowing audiences consistently for 40+ years? Yep.  America’s greatest living author penning his first screenplay? Check.  A cast of the finest actors working today that most crews would only dream of? You bet.  So what went wrong here?  Why does the film add up to a nihilistic mess complete with some of the most ridiculously contrived plot beats that cinema has seen in 2013?

Well, it’s a lethal combination.  The film fancies itself a seedy, crime thriller and for a bit it succeeds at that.  A man simply known as “the Counselor” (Michael Fassbender) is a creature of few pleasures.  He’s getting married to the woman of his dreams (Penelope Cruz,) he drives a beautiful car and serves his many clients near the El Paso/Juarez border.  His star client, Reiner (Javier Bardem,) envelopes most of the Counselor’s time.  Through lengthy (largely pointless) exposition we gather the duo is planning to move some serious drugs to the United States.

_1379016663The Counselor is not a risk taker and has found his yang in Reiner.  Bardem gives Reiner the unhinged, gonzo lunacy that the film sorely needs more of.  He is slightly unhinged but possibly brilliant when he’s not soaking his brain in booze.  He lives with two docile pet cheetahs (no shit) and his maybe-girlfiend/lover Malkina (Cameron Diaz.)  They are the wildcards in the deal, able to reach the Mexican Cartel for drugs while relying on the Counselor’s connections and steady hand to move the product into Dallas.

For fear of my brain imploding I won’t delve into the plot further.  Trust me, it’s not worth it.  The film’s plot is inconsequential and it’s clear by the conclusion that writer Cormac McCarthy had little need for it.  That would all be well and good if the film had something to say.  Unfortunately McCarthy’s novelistic approach to the screenplay zaps the film of nearly all tension.  This leaves each character with lengthy monologues about the nature of good and evil that are increasingly grating and by the end borderline laughable.   This is McCarthy’s first crack at an original screenplay and the seeds of greatness are there.  His attempts to subvert genre conventions are noble but he too often telegraphs the plot mechanics that gives the 3rd act violence no weight or purpose.

This may be McCarthy’s first screenplay but it’s not the first time his work has graced the silver screen.  Recently the Coen Brothers adapted his classic No Country For Old Men while John Hillcoat brought his post-apocalyptic vision The Road to audiences in 2009.  Both of these are fantastic examples of proven filmmakers who adapted the McCarthy prose in an effective way.  The Coens and Hillcoat did not soak their landscapes in silly dialogue and heavy plot.  They did the opposite.  McCarthy’s genius is in his incredible ability to build a world, a landscape that is alive and breathing on the page.  No Country and The Road attempted to build the world in that vein and largely succeeded.

And I wonder what The Counselor would have looked like in the hands of the Coen Brothers.  Much different than Ridley Scott’s vision, that’s for sure.  Mr. Scott is an incredible visual artist.  His films are iconic.  He is also a very slick visionary.  He loves neon, lens flares and capturing the beauty of the sun setting at magic hour.  His sensibilities don’t suit McCarthy’s material.  It’s possible he’s a victim of circumstance (much like he was with Prometheus) but because the plot much lurch forward we’re never allowed to live in McCarthy’s allegory, even for a minute.  It’s always about what’s around the next corner.  His Counselor shines when he should’ve thrown more dirt on the lens.

The film’s inconsistencies are even more apparent with the star-struck cast.  Michael Fassbender continues his impressive streak as the title character.  Watching his stoic nature slowly unravel at the film’s core is incredible.  Casting Brad Pitt as his cowboy accomplice was also a fantastic choice.  Pitt continues his great streak as a character actor and is one of the few people in the film that can deliver McCarthy’s canned dialogue with that signature slow-drawl verve.  The same goes for Javier Bardem who played the iconic Anton Chigurh in No Country.  Bardem’s Reiner is a grade-A lunatic with some hysterical indulgences and an amazing wardrobe.

But for all those great performances came one from Cameron Diaz that nearly sank the film.  Her evil mistress Malkina is easily one of the most ridiculous on-screen performances of the year.  Diaz is talented and has her niche but this is not it.  Everything from her line delivery to ridiculous tattoos and makeup was a mistake.  She looked and acted like Cruella Deville mixed with cat woman with a dash of bond villain.  I almost felt bad until her final monologue cemented her in camp-movie history (not to mention a particularly unforgettable scene involving no underpants and the hood of a Ferrari.)

There’s no doubt that The Counselor is a failure but that doesn’t mean it’s unwatchable.  That’s not in Ridley Scott’s blood.  He still finds moments in this creaky monolith and for that he should be commended.   And I have no doubt that Mr. McCarthy will harness that astounding allegorical voice on-screen.  But for now The Counselor is a film that’s legacy will most likely be two cheetahs in the back of an SUV, staring at a shootout, wondering what the fuck these humans were thinking.

Rating: 2-Stars

The Counselor is in theaters everywhere today