About halfway through the interminable Warcraft I all at once fought the urge to doze off while wondering if this monstrosity of a movie could find an audience. Not a traditional audience mind you, which it most certainly will not – rather the kind of cosplay, hooting and hollering type audience that shows up for midnight madness screenings of cult classics at the Egyptian Theater. But as this theatrical Ambien reached its CGI-fart of a conclusion the crushing realization fully washed over me. This movie is not Flash Gordon – hell, it’s not even Mac & Me – Warcraft is the new Battlefield Earth, in all its scientological glory.
The lack of camp attacks Warcraft like a virus – leaving it a limp, lifeless body. The worst part is the pieces for a classic midnight special are in place. A massive $160 million budget that you can see being wasted with each passing minute? Absolutely – the Orcs on display are often brilliantly realized, given depth of character and detail that I was not expecting. On the other hand Ben Foster will sometimes show up as the Guardian and constantly remind you with brilliant quips like, “I am the Guardian,” while shooting blue lightning bolts from his fingers.
Costumes that look like they were salvaged from the bottom of a Value Village bargain bin? Warcraft does not disappoint in this regard. The real people in the film (I think there are roughly seven) all dress like a warrior in Mrs. Krandall’s 4th grade class. The look is so cheap it’s incredible the actors could keep a straight face.
Warcraft even sports an incoherent script that offers zero in the way of character development and completely incomprehensible time jumps and world building. Yet despite all of this the film is not even winkingly fun. Director Duncan Jones has made two fantastic films to start his career. Moon was a chamber-piece sci-fi thriller and Source Code was a lean time-travel adventure that started his Hollywood transition. Here Jones seems neutered or unsure what to do with the source material.
It’s clear he’s familiar with the world…of Warcraft but opts to give us a cliffnotes version of its entire scope rather than allowing us to understand even one parcel of it. The lack of commitment leaves the film with no vision and the lore quickly becomes disorienting and so so boring.
All joking aside it is a shame Warcraft doesn’t work at all. Universal took a chance on a high-concept fantasy property and should be commended for the risk – but please don’t commend them for the outcome. This is John Travolta in dreadlocks and a spaceship all over again. It’s this generation’s bomb of the century. Azeroth deserved better.
Rating: 
